Sunday, July 20, 2014

Prometheus sucks

Since we've all wasted several hours of our lives watching this movie and even more trying to understand it, I think it's time to discuss why it sucks. This movie is supposed to be a prequel to Alien which is why we all wanted to like it so much and why it was so disappointing.

Nothing in this movie makes any sense at all. It seems like another example of a recent movie that has neat special effects, a cool trailer, and seems like it should be awesome, but it ends up being incredibly stupid. Can you remember the last prequel that ruined everything for an important series of films? It was called the Phantom Menace. Prometheus is nowhere near that bad, but we are still forced to hope for better things in the next film. I don't think Prometheus 2 will be as bad as Attack of the Clones, but I could be wrong.

I had been avoiding this movie since someone told me that it sucked, but then my little sister convinced me to watch it and make my own judgement. Thanks, asshole. Well, nothing made any sense. Then I watched it again, and still nothing made sense.

Anyway, this movie opens with some alien humaniod drinking something near a waterfall on some planet and dying. I'm totally okay with the opening scene like this. Many movies have a mysterious opening scene. The problem with this movie is that none of these mysteries are solved for us later in the film. I figure it's Earth and this was them seeding the planet with human DNA but I really don't know. We never actually find out when this is, where, or what that guy drinks. Plus the shadow of the ship that drops him off looks nothing like the one we see later.

Then suddenly we're in some cave in Scotland in the year 2089. This is where they find a 35,000 year old cave painting of some large man pointing to some stars. Well, at least we know when and where we are.

So they are going to some planet called LV-223 which is 3.27x10^14 km away. Simple math can convert that to 34.56 light years. And they get there in 2 years, 4 months? Wow, ion propulsion can go warp factor 3? We should invest more in this.

During this trip the robot named David is awake the whole time fucking around. He rides a bicycle around the gymnasium, plays basketball, and studies language. This recreational area is never used for this purpose again and just shoved into this movie because other Alien movies had basketball courts. They just use it as a briefing room and let the treadmills collect dust. David also puts on some dumb helmet that lets you read people's dreams while they're in hyper-sleep. You ever have dreams that detailed? I don't. And sometimes you dream about a past event in your life that never happened, but not in this movie. David reads Shaw's dream for no fucking reason, then later reminds her about how her dad died of Ebola when really she could've just dreamed that.

After everyone wakes up you hear the computer say something about drinking plenty of fluids. Then the movie makes a point to show EVERY fucking person in the crew drinking something in the next few minutes. Thanks, we get it; they're thirsty. Anyway, the awakening scene is no where near as good as the one in the first Alien movie. The dialogue between the crew-members in that movie flowed so well that you forgot that you were watching a movie. Everything here sucks. I can tell they're acting, and everything seems forced.

Now we finally learn about the connection between the cave paintings and why they spent a trillion dollars on a mission to fly here. Wait, a trillion? Wasn't Paul Riser bitching about millions of dollars in Aliens? Whatever, so Shaw and Holloway have this completely retarded, anti-Darwin theory that the big people in the paintings are the gods who created us and that the stars depicted are an invitation for us to visit. This is dumb for so many reasons. No scientists would ever come up with that idea. It's dumber than the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If they engineered us then what about all this fossil evidence crap supported that we evolved from monkeys? I'll just list a few Sahelanthropus tchadensis, Orrorin tugenensis, Ardipithecus ramidus, Australopithecus anamensis, Australopithecus afarensis (Lucy), Australopithecus bahrelghazali, Kenyanthropus platyops, Australopithecus africanus, Paranthropus aethiopicus, Homo rudolfensis, Paranthropus robustus, Australopithecus sediba, Homo habilis, Paranthropus boisei, Homo erectus, Homo ergaster, Homo gautengensis, Homo antecessor,  Homo heidelbergensis, Homo rhodesienis, Homo neanderthalensis, Homo sapiens (that's us), and lastly, my favorite, Homo floresiensis. Professor Farnsworth eve lists several of these in an episode of Futurama.

Do fossils not exist in this movie's universe? Wait, that can't be true because the biologist mentions Darwin and thinks that Shaw and Holloway are fucking retards. So, despite all this, these "scientists" still believe that these aliens created us based on cave paintings. And somehow their theory turns out to be correct. Oh, sure it is. Some of their theory is based on the fact that these different civilizations that had no contact with each other came up with the same cave painting. To me it seems way more likely that each village just had some really tall guy that everybody liked because he could reach the balls that got thrown onto the roof accidentally, and they were just painting him. The only way the 'Shalloway' idea makes sense is if they came here about 200,000 years ago and killed off the existing Homo species then made us in their image which was almost exactly what we were going to evolve into anyway. But they overlooked Indonesia so we still ended up with those hobbits. See how none of this makes sense? Then this rich, old guy with terrible makeup is willing to bet a trillion dollars, and his life that this idiot theory is correct. That's the plot. And that's why this movie sucks. This whole idea is completely implausible, and this film is strung along by a ridiculous series of equally implausible events just to make it work.

I thought the big alien people that humans worshiped a long time ago where those Predator aliens. Did I miss something when I watched AVP? There was that whole scene showing people worshiping them and sacrificing themselves to spawn the Alien aliens with the Italian guy doing the commentary. As implausible as the premise to that movie was, at least more of it made sense. Some of it was believable anyway.

Umm, so how do they find this planet anyway? Oh, those cave paintings were like a map. Really? You expect me to believe that 6 dots scribbled on a cave wall is sufficient to locating a star system over 30 light years away? Oh, sure it is. And why would it lead them to this planet? We find out later that this clearly isn't their home world. They used this planet to do experiments on or something for the purpose of not contaminating their own planet if something went horribly wrong. Like it was a weapons research planet or something. You expect me to believe that these aliens have been fucking around on this planet for 35,000 years and have an interest in humans visiting? Why would they want that? Maybe it wasn't an invitation. Maybe it was a warning. Maybe the paintings were of a good alien guy telling humans that going to this planet would kill everybody. See how this makes no sense?

So they're flying around on this planet for like 9 seconds and instantly find exactly what they're looking for. Wow, that was easy. I know this planet is technically a moon, but it seems to have the same gravity as earth. This is true about almost every single planet in a science fiction movie. Even in Alien, they said that the planetoid was only like 1200km in diameter and had 86% gravity which makes no sense. Anyway, lets say it's the same size as our moon. They should've been flying around for a month looking for shit. And how did they even know what they were looking for? If I was looking for an advanced civilization of aliens on a planet then I'd be looking for a city. Finding it this way also violates movie making logic. There should be that threat of abandoning the search after an extended period time of not finding anything. Then when all hope is lost and they are 20 minutes from giving up and flying back to earth, then they strike pay dirt. Why didn't they do it this way? Answer - because this movie sucks.

Hey, here's another good idea: lets not bring any weapons with us because it is a scientific expedition. This guy, Jackson, with the flame thrower...I don't think we see him again in this movie. The whole point of this mission, or so I thought, was to look for the aliens that created humans. Who would be stupid enough to assume that they are going to be peaceful? Oh, Shaw is that stupid. This is like the most significant mission in human history, and nobody thinks to be safe.

Why is this air not breathable? So, I couldn't read the exponent on the distance from earth on my TV, and during my quick internet search to figure it out, I found this page on LV-223. It says that the carbon monoxide levels are too high, but that bimbo clearly says CO2 which is carbon dioxide not carbon monoxide. And when that guy takes off his helmet like a retard, he too says carbon DIoxide. That website is wrong. Anyway, CO2 in our atmosphere is about 0.037%. According to wikipedia it would take concentrations between 7-10% to cause suffocation, and this planet has 3%, plus has higher oxygen concentration. For those of you who suck at math: 3 is less than 7. The air shouldn't kill them. At least not the CO2 in it. Sure, breathing would be more difficult, but shouldn't be fatal. But of course nobody should be retarded enough to take off their fucking space helmet where there could be airborne pathogens, microbes, and other shit. Oh, and wouldn't that much CO2 cause massive greenhouse effect? Like, shouldn't this planet be really hot? Whatever.

How does this alien dude get decapitated? The blast doors are usually pretty thick unlike a guillotine. It should've squished his head, not sliced it clear off. Then someone says - No, don't open that door. We don't know what's on the other side. I have an idea on how you can find out what's on the other side. You could open the door. Dumbass. And notice that in order to reach the controls for the door David needs to climb a ladder. Where the fuck did this ladder come from? I didn't see anyone carry a fucking ladder. It's not like it was there to begin with. Those aliens are like 9 feet tall. They don't need no stinking ladders. Whatever. Also, the door has some writing on it which David claims that he can read, but then he never reads it. In fact, he doesn't translate anything for us in this movie.

So then Ginger Geologist and the Biologist decide that they are friends now, and decide to go back to the ship like giant pussies. I'd probably do the same thing since I'm also a giant pussy. Wait, they didn't make it back? They got lost? How? Don't they have these things flying around creating a 3D map of this entire structure and they are in contact with the ship. And didn't one of those guys who got lost bring those flying map, sphere things? Whatever, I bet they'll die soon in a way that makes no sense.

Oh no a storm is coming. Lets quickly bag the head and David can steal a vase that he won't tell anyone about. Why is being a sneaky asshole part of his programming? And for no other reason than to add tension for the audience, Shaw drops the head and goes after it. I guess we needed an exciting action scene here. Whatever, we have the head on board now and it's time for an autopsy or whatever. The helmet is too heavy for those two whores to lift and the need Magneto's help. Okay, but earlier didn't they managed to carry the whole head? Why would lifting off the helmet now be too hard? Then they jam a needle into the brain and charge it with electricity. It makes faces like it is constipated then explodes for no reason.

Then we find out that the magic dream reading helmet can also talk to people in their sleep I guess. Gee, I wonder who David was talking to. Then without any regard for safety David exposes Holloway to the black alien cum by putting it in his drink. It seems like Mr. Weyland told him to do this. Doesn't that seem risky? And once again there seems to be no regard for safety on this mission. Please note just how many people die as a result of this action. It's like half the crew. Whatever, on a more positive note, I will say that the fact that David has the Weyland logo etched into his finger prints is kinda neat, but I had to watch this trash 3 times before I noticed. But then somehow Holloway doesn't notice that David sticks his finger in the drink right as he is handing it to him. I guess it was done like this to make it obvious to the audience, but it should have been obvious to Holloway. Was Holloway already drunk at this point? Whatever.

Oh, the lost people are dead now, so I guess we should discuss how implausible that whole scene was. For starters nobody else knows that they are dead. Later in the film we see Shaw reviewing a video of those holograms from earlier. Well, this implies that everything their cameras see is recorded and can be viewed later. The reason that nobody knows at the time is because Captain Sisco was busy having interracial sex with Vickers and nobody was manning the comm station. Isn't that Uhura's job? Usually the captain comes across to me as someone who is very responsible. The fact that he didn't get someone else to cover for him during that 4 minutes he's having sex seems very out of character. They should easily be able to just rewind the audio and video of their deaths and see exactly what happened and where they are. Anyway, they stumble into the room that they were outside of earlier when they decided to wonder off and get lost. Millburn has a space blanket wrapped around his legs implying that this is the room they choose to sleep in for the night. Yeah, this room. The creepy one. The one with the giant head that is filled with vases oozing with black alien cum. Then an albino, alien cobra comes out of nowhere. Where the fuck did this come from? I guess those worms they stepped on earlier got transformed by the black alien cum, but then where did those come from? Were they sleeping for the last 2,000 years? Then the guy who bitched out when seeing a decapitated alien suddenly is fascinated with the cobra and wants to touch it. Does this seem stupid to anyone else? I know earlier he was trying to impress this guy to get him to be his boyfriend because he has a secret gay crush for him, but they are already friends now since he decided to go off with him. Okay, so then it attacks him and breaks his arm. Then Ginger Fifield tries to cut it off and gets killed by the corrosive blood that we are all familiar with from the other Alien movies. The snake instantly grows another head, crawls through Millburn's suit and rapes his mouth. I guess he dies then. Usually when people got mouth raped they would grow an alien inside them which would kill them later, but this didn't happen...I don't think.

Is Shaw barren? She says she can't create life then gets all sad. Maybe she was just being a chick and getting sad for no reason so that Holloway would know that it was time to have sex with her. Girls like to have sex (especially non-reciprocating oral sex) when they are sad. And neither of them were smart enough to pack condoms or pull out, so now Shaw is knocked up with an alien fetus. Oh, that little drop of black goo (alien cum) got into Holloway's cum that he shot into Shaw's vagina which grew into the size of a squid in 5 hours. Yeah, that makes sense.

Wait, we gotta back up to when Janek and Vickers were fucking. Did you notice how she said something about traveling a half billion miles? Look, a half billion miles is about how far Jupiter is from the sun. They are actually 2.03x10^14 miles from Earth. Vickers is off by a factor of 406,000.

What the hell is in Holloway's eye? If he doesn't care then I'm not gonna care. This retarded asshole sees a fish swimming around in his fucking eyeball and does nothing about it. Instead of telling someone, he waits until they are the furthest place possible from the ship to mention that something is wrong. Time to head back since Holloway has AIDS and is turning into some kind of monster. Vickers is actually smart here and says that he isn't getting back on the ship. I'm glad to see this retard die. Vickers shoots him with a flame thrower, he catches on fire, then drops dead on the ramp.

Okay, so back to how Shaw is knocked up. David just wants to put her in hyper-sleep, but she REALLY wants an abortion. I guess a coat hanger wouldn't work too well on an alien fetus that has that acid blood stuff (not that she would know that). She escapes by smashing a couple people in the face with some metal thing that materialized in her hand. Then everyone in the audience starts to laugh because the way she running around looks like she's in desperate search for a bathroom because she's about to shit herself. But actually she's headed to that emergency surgery pod thing that we saw earlier. She injects herself with the first space syringe she sees then screams for an abortion...I mean C section. She pushes the same button (Right Arrow) and yells at the thing, but somehow it knows what to do. I find it quite shocking that this thing didn't put her to sleep or restrain her in any way. Then she runs away and discovers that Weyland is alive and on the ship. And for some reason the fact that she's covered in blood, in her underwear, has a row of staples across her stomach, and clearly just pulled an alien out of her uterus never comes up in conversation. Nobody cares what just happened to her even though she might still have alien AIDS. Does this seem stupid to anyone else? Nobody asks what the fuck just happened where that alien thing is now...even though it's still on the ship. Whatever.

Sorry about jumping around, but there's often like 3 stories going on at once in this movie. While everyone else goes looking for the dead people, David finds the ship, the cargo hold, and a living alien in hyper-sleep. When David is watching the holograms it is reveled that powering up this super advanced spaceship involves playing a few notes on some flute. Seriously. This is in the movie. David even plays it later when they go back there. Why did they go with this instead of like a retina scan or voice authorization?

Then later or earlier or something Fifield turns into a zombie Sasquatch and starts killing everyone. Now the first time I saw this (and 2nd and 3rd time) I thought it was Holloway who woke up from being burned to death, but I guess it's Fifield. So does that mean they brought his clearly contaminated body back to the ship while they were in a rush to get help for Holloway? Or did he wake up and walk back to the ship on his own then lay there in a contortionist position? Neither makes any sense. This was the guy who got lost in the first place. Now as a zombie he can make it back to the ship without his cool 3-D map thing? And when he wakes up he is really close to where Vickers set Holloway on fire which is why I thought it was Holloway. I figured they just shoved his body off that ramp and he woke up later. Maybe I'm the only one who mixed this up. Anyhow, the first thing Sasquatch does is punch some guy which shatters his plastic helmet like it was made of glass. They set him on fire, shoot him a few times, then run over him with a truck. I guess he's dead for real this time?

I guess I should talk about how Vickers is Weyland's daughter. Well, that was pretty obvious since she was in charge of everything. But, Weyland doesn't expect to see her, and this makes no sense. If he didn't know that she was on board then that means he was put into hyper-sleep before they launched. That's okay, but then why did she bring him? She thought this whole thing was a bunch of shit. Fine, she brought him along to say - told you so. But earlier David talks to him with the yellow, space helmet. Vickers wants to know what he said, and David says - Try harder. If David relayed a message to her from him then why would he be surprised to see her. The thing I hate most is that shot when Vickers is like touching his hand and smelling it or something all weird and rubs her face on his creepy, old-guy hands. What the fuck is with that? Vickers says something about being there because she didn't want to argue with people about who was in charge. So, who is in charge of Weyland Corporation now that both of them went on this mission? Plus they both die. It's pretty clear that he doesn't have a real son (that's why he made David), and if he has another daughter I doubt he'd leave her in charge since this dude hates chicks more than Chris Brown. Maybe the company goes under now since they wasted a trillion dollars and the guy in charge died.

Oh my god, is this movie over yet? Fine, lets go wake up this alien. That's a good plan. David will be able to talk to him. Sure he will. Even if they started off our language skills, that was like 30,000 years ago. Languages change a lot over the years. That cocksucker didn't bother translating what the door said earlier, so I have no confidence in his abilities to speak some alien language. Here's something else I don't understand: Captain Janek says that he'll do whatever is necessary to ensure that none of that black, alien cum makes it back to Earth, but isn't that vase David stole still on board? And not hidden well? Maybe it's in Weyland's master bedroom, but I don't know. Right, back to the awakening. David puts this 2,000 year old flute into his mouth, plays some notes, pushes some buttons, and Frankenstein wakes up. And even though he's been asleep for 2,000 years he doesn't bother doing that thing where you yawn, rub your eyes, and stretch. Several people are barking at David to ask him shit, and David finally says something. What the fuck does he say? Do we assume that he followed Weyland's orders? Earlier he said something to Shaw asking if all children want their parents to die, so why would he follow his orders still? It would've cost about a nickel to put text along the bottom of the screen during that shot which is why this is frustrating. We just have to guess what he says. I'm pretty good at guessing. David says, "Hi, I'm a robot. Please rip my head off and murder all of these people." Then Frankenstein decapitates David and his severed head ejaculates cum out of his mouth. Everyone stands around and gets killed while Shaw makes a B line for the exit. Yeah, the chick whose intestines are being held in place by two dozen staples breaks out into a sprint. She escapes then informs the ship of what is happening. I guess nobody on board thought to watch the video feed, so this is a big shock.

Now it's time for a cheesy, boring, un-exciting, lame mid-air collision. You guys see that Star Trek: Nemesis movie? There's a pretty cool scene when Picard rams the Enterprise into Shinzon's ship.
How bad is it that I'm referencing something from Nemesis as a positive example? Now go watch the shitty sequence from Prometheus.
Shaw tells Sisko that he must stop that ship because it's loaded with alien cum. Then he gives Vickers 40 seconds to reach an escape pod. 2 minutes later she gets to one and jettisons the pod. Janek tells the other two people that they don't need to do this. I guess they agree to the suicide mission assuming that they will die either way. What are their names? Chekov and Sulu? Meh, who cares. After the crash the horse shoe ship crashes back on the planet. The two girls running do the stupidest thing ever. Instead of turning 90 degrees and taking a few steps, they run the long way. Vickers gets squished and dies. Good. When Shaw trips, she simply rolls over a few times to the side and is safe. But instead of using what she just learned about falling space ships she tries the often fatal Vickers technique this time when the other part of the ship comes crashing down. Oh, a big rock saved her life. Really? That rock can support the weight of that space ship without turning into dust? What is it made out of? Wolverine's bones?

Now we continue this long series of shit that makes no sense. This whore is still running around with staples in her gut. Can someone explain her gloves? She makes it to the life boat with gloves on, closes the air lock, then isn't wearing them. Call me crazy, but I kinda assumed that they were part of the suit. Like, what's the point of having this self contained breathing apparatus if the system isn't sealed? For the remainder of the film sometimes she has gloves, sometimes she doesn't. Anyway, in the life boat she picks up an axe. Why is there an axe on board? Yeah, I'm complaining about this. Firemen carry axes into burning building to chop through wooden doors. Lumberjacks have axes to cut down trees. Well, you aren't gonna be chopping through any of these doors with an axe, and I didn't see any trees on this planet, so why is there an axe? See, I liked in Aliens when Ripley was going around with that flamethrower because that was cool, but an axe is dumb unless you are trying to murder your wife and son inside a creepy hotel in Estes Park. Primitive weapons are why I hated Alien 3 so much. Shaw doesn't even do anything with the axe anyway. Nobody bothered to do anything with her dumpster baby, so now it's the size of a giant squid. How did it get so big that fast? The Alien movies were the same. They don't seem to eat anything and yet grow to full adulthood in like 2 hours. Whatever, we should be more concerned with Frankenstein who is on his way. I guess he told David that he was going after her otherwise, how would he know that he just didn't get up and leave. Then Shaw lets the octopus attack Frankenstein. Maybe I miscounted and it doesn't have 8 tentacles, but I can tell you that it's more than 4. Remember earlier when it only had 4? What the fuck is with that? The real question here is - why does Frankenstein go after her anyway? His mission (I guess) is to deliver black alien cum to Earth. Is this dumb bimbo really a threat to that? He can just go get another ship or get on the space phone and tell his people that some humans are here. The answer - He succumbs to pointless revenge for the sake of the plot.

Fuck. Just go save David and we can be done with this shit. She carries his head (which didn't move during the crash) and drags his body to the edge of the alien ship's vagina opening. Yeah, I have a question. Is this the same entrance that she entered the ship at? How would she climb up that? And if she didn't go in that way then why is she leaving that way? Was there a magical staircase there earlier like in Star Trek: Insurrection when they find that Holoship? Or was this another use of that magical ladder from earlier. Seems like extra work to have to lower David's body down by that cable. He's already smashed up. Just toss him down.

Is it over yet? Oh, so the normal alien rips out of the Frankenstein one, and the octopus alien died after it mouth raped the other one. But at this point nobody cares that the normal alien is already like full sized. I'm not saying that it's wrong that it's like full sized. I have seen the other alien movies and it's pretty clear that they are different depending on the host, so maybe it's just bigger because that dude is bigger.

So what else pisses me off? Well, I hate Shaw and most of the other characters, too. Usually in a movie we're made to like the main character and hope that they succeed. Right from the beginning we think she's an idiot with an idiot theory. Then it happens to be correct, so we hate her even more. Then she has this obsession with some dumbass cross she wears around her neck. David steals it for no reason then for no reason has it with him at the end. I don't recognize her from anything else. She's got a fugly haircut and an annoying accent. Bitch sure ain't know Sigouney Weaver. Even in her 60's, I'd rather fuck her. The worst thing is that we're forced to see her in her underwear several times. She looks better in the space suit. The whole movie I'm hoping she dies, but she's the only one who lives. Now she has a way to get home, but wants to fly around in an alien ship to find their homeworld. Doesn't she need to eat food to live? Do these alien spaceships that have been abandoned for 2,000 years have an extensive human food supply?

A few other things that make no sense. The alien ship in the opening scene wasn't shaped like a horse shoe. Was that ship from the same aliens? So shit went super wrong on this planet and no other aliens came to investigate for 2,000 years? Does the rest of the species not know about this? Was it just like a few dozen rouge aliens doing crazy experiments? If they knew that everything got fucked up then why not blow everything up?

They imply in the movie that the Engineer aliens have a mission to kill off humanity by using the black goo. I think it's deliberately left open for the sake of a sequel, but everyone is wondering why they want to kill us and why they created us in the first place. Based on that conversation between Holloway and David when David was drugging his drink with alien cum it would seem that perhaps they created us simply because they could. If they simply wanted to kill us then why use that black goo? The black goo didn't directly kill Holloway, the flame thrower did. It didn't kill Fifield either. He turned into a zombie Sasquatch. Seems more like they wanted to used that goo to make a bunch of those Xenomorph aliens that we are all familiar with. It's obvious that they knew about them based on how there was a mural or whatever of one of them in that death room.
We know the process to create one of these Xenomorph aliens now. You infect some dude with the goo, he rapes a woman, she gives birth to a squid (or maybe it just rips out through her stomach), then the squid rapes somebodies face, and a Xenomorph rips out of their rib cage. Perhaps they need humans to do this. I never saw any female engineers, and we don't know what the black goo does to chicks. It might not do anything for all I know. Shaw had a squid growing in her and she didn't turn into a Sasquatch. But then why would they want to make all those alien things? Do they worship them like retards? Do they eat them? Are they breeding them for some kind of weapon? Who the fuck knows? I guess we'll find out more in the next movie that nobody will go see because they will still be pissed off about this one.

That's all I got for now. I have a bunch of other movies to lay into for no reason.

Friday, December 20, 2013


I'm not the kind of guy that sits around and trash talks other runners, but I must make an exception in this case. I'm gonna talk about dane rauschenberg's film about the American Odyssey Relay that he's raising money for on KickStarter. It's funny to me that he must think that by releasing this film it automatically means that he ran the whole thing. Not long after I developed object permanence, I was able to decipher the difference between reality and fantasy. I'm gonna let you in on the WHOLE story as I know it, and hopefully have it make sense even for people who don't know shit about running.

The American Odyssey Relay (AOR) is a ~200 mile race from Gettysburg to Washington DC. It's intended to be a relay race consisting of teams of 12. There's also and option for teams of 4 and 6. Back in 2010, dane opted to attempt the run solo. He continues to claim that he ran the entire 202 miles in a little over 50 hours. I'm not convinced that he did.

I will make references to his blog, but I refuse to post a link to it. You may want to pull it up while you read this. But, before you open up a new tab to Google and search for his blog, keep in mind that he can see some of the more popular searches that bring people to his blog. With that in mind, please do yourself a favor and type something funny into the search field. The search results should also bring up the dane cheats blog. Might want that one open, too. It's not my blog, but I am a fan. I even sent them that Quark picture that I drew on my phone. Pretty good huh? Clearly, I'm not the only person that doesn't believe dane ran the whole thing. That cheater blog hasn't been posting much lately, and the people behind it have kept their identity secret, so I've taken it upon myself to share some more info.

To me, simply being familiar with dane's skills as a runner is convincing enough for me that he didn't run 202 miles in 50 hours. If you're not aware of how to properly train for a 'race' of this length, then let dane tell you how. 6 or 7 miles a day isn't quite enough. That's only 40-50 miles a week. I just race marathons, but put in double that. The lack of high mileage training could also explain why dane never completed a 100 mile race prior to attempting this. I repeat, dane never completed a 100 mile race before this. Almost 2 years after this in March he did complete the Graveyard 100 in just under 22 hours. You can find the race re-cap he wrote about it on his blog without me sharing the link. Hint: type 'Graveyard' in the search field of his blog. Did you read it? Did it sound like it was easy for him? And that doing another 100 miles wouldn't be difficult? I certainly didn't get that impression, but maybe that's just me.

Lets get to the AOR. The day before this run he announced on his blog that he would be posting his progress on his Twitter page through his profile. Since he'd be running all the legs by himself he would get to start a day ahead of the relay runners. He won't be out there all alone. He has a crew (we'll talk about them later) aiding him, and driving the course in a rented Winnebago.

This is his first hand account of the race via his Tweets:

·  202 miles: 50 hours. Done. Phone is dead. Will return vms later. Thank you all., shared on Strands Saturday, April 24, 2010 2:05:50 PM via API

·  Projected finish time between 2:00 pm - 3:00 pm. See everyone at the finish line!, shared on Strands Saturday, April 24, 2010 9:35:22 AM via API

·  About to start leg 34. Homestretch is nigh. , shared on Strands Saturday, April 24, 2010 7:41:40 AM via API

·  Leg 29 completed. Taking a rest. Looking forward to the home stretch! , shared on Strands Friday, April 23, 2010 10:02:26 PM via API

·  Leg 24 done. 118 miles gone. I want a steak. , shared on Strands Friday, April 23, 2010 2:39:07 PM via API

·  Sorry for the delay, no reception. Just finished Lap 20!, shared on Strands Friday, April 23, 2010 10:15:37 AM via API

·  Leg 12 complete. Met AWESOME XC runner- Jake. Thanks for the support, Jake, Ray, Nate & Andrea! (Now go to sleep!), shared on Strands Friday, April 23, 2010 4:22:39 AM via API

·  Leg 11 done- 5.6 miles- 1.2 hrs. , shared on Strands Friday, April 23, 2010 3:17:36 AM via API

·  Leg 10 (3.5 miles) done. 30% Complete., shared on Strands Friday, April 23, 2010 3:16:35 AM via API

·  Leg 9 complete. Pitch black and raining. Yuckers. Rest now., shared on Strands Friday, April 23, 2010 1:20:47 AM via API

·  Leg 8 done. Nice downhill. FYI, I obviously do not hate the race directors. , shared on Strands Thursday, April 22, 2010 9:13:25 PM via API

·  Leg 7 (4.9 miles) 55 minutes - got out of the doldrums., shared on Strands Thursday, April 22, 2010 8:48:34 PM via API

·  Leg six complete. 1:32. Toughest leg. I hate the Race Directors., shared on Strands 7:53 PM Apr 22nd via API

·  Leg 5 finished in 45 minutes. Six miles from completing Leg 6!, shared on Strands 6:11 PM Apr 22nd via API

·  Leg 4 complete. 1:35:02. 15% done. First break of the race., shared on Strands 4:14 PM Apr 22nd via API

·  Leg 3, 1 hr 28 minutes....onto Leg 4!, shared on Strands 2:35 PM Apr 22nd via API

·  all that rain did was piss me off..., shared on Strands 2:03 PM Apr 22nd via API

·  Leg 1 down, 5.8 miles in 1hr 5min...feeling good despite the heat!, shared on Strands 12:27 PM Apr 22nd via API

The hyperlinks only work for the last two where he announces his projected finish and when he's done. He deleted all the other Tweets off his Twitter account. I'm curious as to why he would delete these, and you should be, too. The 2 hour difference is because of stupid Time Zones, but it doesn't effect the math. Also, this Strands website that he logged workouts through is gone. Here's some info on Strands shutting down. Before the site shut down you could go on his page and see all the posts about the AOR Relay even after he deleted them off Twitter. Let me remind you that this is his personal, first hand account of the run. I didn't make this shit up.

Things don't appear too strange or obvious until you dump all that into a spreadsheet. If you still have the race website pulled up and are curious why some of the leg distances are different, it's because the course for this year isn't exactly the same as it was in 2010. It's basically the same route, still 36 legs, about the same total distance, but some of the individual legs changed a little.

Let's review the spreadsheet data in a little more detail. The first 7 legs and 43 miles seem perfectly legit to me. A post after every leg just like you would expect him to do. Something is obviously wrong with leg 8. Nearly 5 miles under 25 mins when dane's 5 mile PR is 31 mins. It's reasonable to assume that that Tweet was simply posted before it should have. I'm fine with giving that one to dane. Leg 7 definitely wasn't posted late. That's obvious since he Tweeted how long it took him. If you ignore that early post and combine legs 8 & 9 then you get about 10 miles in about four and a half hours. That makes sense. It's slow, but it's night time now and apparently raining. Walking a 27min/mile in those conditions during a 200 mile run would be pretty normal. It looks like Legs 10 & 11 just got Tweeted at the same time. No big deal. When combined it's roughly 9 miles covered in 2 hours. About a 12:40 mile pace. That's actually pretty good in the dark. And that continues until leg 12 is complete.

Now at mile 67 things start to get shady. There's a big gap, and suddenly done with leg 20 and 103 miles. That's 36 miles in under 6 hours. Bullshit. The first 36 miles took more like 8 hours. It may have been a more difficult part of the course, but it was when he was fresh. This is also the section of the race that goes through Boonsboro. It's one of those sections that features pointless out-and-back sections just to increase the mileage since Gettysburg isn't 200 miles from DC. Go ahead and look at the course. This would be an easy section to cut the course short. I'm not necessarily saying that he did, just pointing it out. But, did you notice that last Tweet upon completing leg 12? Where it said - '(Now go to sleep!). That would seem to imply that he started that section with a nap which makes covering that distance in that time even less believable.

In the Tweet at leg 20 he apologizes for the delay and blames it on not having reception. The excuse he has commonly used to explain why the Twitter splits don't add up is that he had is crew post the updates when they had time and reception. I doubt Boonsboro is a cell phone dead zone being that it's 15 miles from Frederick, but it's not like I have proof, just seems convenient. The Tweet for completing leg 24 is confusing because he has the wrong mileage. It hardly matters at this point anyway. The rest is simply long breaks between Tweets with very little commentary.

To me, the Tweets should prove to be some evidence that he ran it all, but they show the opposite. And remember, he has since deleted all these posts from Twitter. Now, what proof does he have of running it all? He really has nothing now. Not even any GPS data. The KickStarter film won't prove much except that he was there running. I've kinda accepted that part already. But unless the video is 50 hours long of dane running the course the entire time, then I'm gonna keep believing that he didn't run it all.

I said before that he wasn't alone and had a crew. None of them will say anything, but at this time I'll share part of an email from someone close to the crew. In attempts to protect his identity, I'll be referring to him as The Insider:

 "Basically his entire crew, which was made up of 1 male film maker, 2 adult females and a sponsor (ASEA Water which was a husband and wife team) went into the race thinking Dane was going to do the whole 202.

Maybe around halfway through the race Dane got in the rented Winnebago and told the crew to keep going, as in keep driving the course even though Dane was in the Winnebago. The crew was surprised but followed directions. The remainder of the 'race' was spurts of him sleeping in the van and running. During the sleeping portions the van drove the course. It got to the point where he told his crew which leg of the race he was going to run or not ahead of time. It created a lot of tension in the van and the crew was not happy.

Getting a firm number on miles ran is difficult. Someone very close to me estimated anywhere between 120 - 160 miles."

 It's not first hand information, so feel free to be skeptical for now. Insight onto who the 2 adult females are can be found here. I said earlier that I refused to post a link to his blog, but you wouldn't find this one otherwise. It isn't his personal blog, it's one that he used to write for Blue Ridge Outdoors. This is extremely short for one of his race recaps. It's 5 paragraphs and hardly says anything about the 'race'. The comments are a good read. He gets called out for cheating pretty quickly by someone who posts as - Anesheh Abrams. Then someone else calls him out for writing his own Wikipedia page. He had that blog on BRO until June of the following year. It's all been archived on the site, but many similar comments still remain if you're looking for more entertainment.

That blog post is the only place I can find that gives a clue to the identity of who is crew was. You can see glimpses of them in his video promoting the film, but I definitely don't recognize them. Quynh Dao is one member. Catie is the other, but she only gave her first name. We know from The Insider that Catie's last name is Foster. I never bothered tracking down the ASEA Water people, and don't really care to. The film maker seems to be Proctor Trivette based on youtube. Too bad comments were disabled.

You can also see who might be doing the voice over stuff there. Darby and Proctor have not responded to my email inquires. Go figure. I don't think dane ever paid the film guy, so I hope that some of the KickStarter money might be going to him.

Not only are his crew members, and the film guy worthless at getting any info from directly, but the race director won't say shit either. You can see a typical response from Bob Fleshner on the cheater blog. I've read several other emails from him when people ask about dane's performance. They're all about the same. You wanna know why he won't comment about dane? They're fucking friends! Go back to dane's blog and search - Fleshner. dane did an interview with the guy later that year in December. Sucks for Bob. His choices are betraying a friend, lying, or playing dumb. Sadly, no response makes him look like a responsible race director.

Before I conclude this, I saved the best for last. It's something that very few people have ever seen. I have a gChat conversation between someone in the cheater blog and The Insider. I've done my very best to conceal both of their identities. Enjoy: gChat

I'm curious to see how dane will try to explain all that little chat. It boils down to the fact that we have two conflicting stories about dane running the AOR. They can't both be telling the truth, so one of them is lying. Clearly, I think he cheated, and this KickStarter film is just one last attempt at covering it up. He did reach his $5,000 funding goal for the film. Originally, I was pissed that he started this funding thing, but now I'm glad it's gonna be released. He had two people pledge $500 for it. Their names will be in the film credits. What are they gonna think when they read all this?

Have a Nice Day

Am I the only person that doesn't think cashiers need to express thanks towards me or wish me good tidings? I never understood the necessity for it when I worked as a cashier. I'm never rude to the person who is required to say this crap, but sometimes I really want to be. Like most everybody else, I simply go along with the bullshit and get on with my day.

I don't shop at Safeway much anymore because of some of this nonsense. I used to like once a week, but then they started doing something stupid at check-out that bothered me. Safeway can't just give everybody the sale items at the sale price. You need a special card to get that price. The hell if I'm gonna pay full price for blueberries, so I bring my special card. Then I scan my card, the cashier scans my items, I pay for them, and the receipt is printed. Instead of simply handing me my receipt that I'm just going to throw away, they scroll down to the bottom of it where my name is printed and say, "Have a nice day Mr. Krugger". It's twice as frustrating since they seem to always pronounce my last name wrong. It's not that difficult. Two syllables. Just like Freddy Krueger. Spelled different, but pronounced the same. There's no "ugh" sound. Anyway, I don't care for that added, poor attempt at generosity. It's almost insulting to have someone pretend that they know you personally simply because they have access to your name. If you've ever had a retail job that required you to wear a name tag, then you know what I mean. I'd prefer that they just give me my receipt and move on to the next customer. I like the Safeway on the west side of town much better because they have Self Check-Out. The Self Check-Out machine thanks me too, but I don't have to acknowledge it because it's not a person.

I tend to shop at Walmart more these days. I'm cheap. You can tell. You have to deal with similar shit here, but they have cheaper prices. I can rarely navigate through the store selecting my merchandise without running into some store employee offering to help me find something. I didn't ask for this help. I feel that I'm a self sufficient shopper. Asking for help is awful enough if you're a man, but to have to ask help from someone stupid enough to work at Walmart involves stooping VERY low. I'll ask another customer first, or simply do without if I can't find it on my own.

It's time to make my way to the check-out line. Go figure, everybody in front of me has an overflowing cart, and they only have 3 cashiers working leaving the remaining 21 registers idle. All the other employees are busy helping shoppers find their precious items. It doesn't do them much good to make me wait longer. I've already impulse purchased a king size Twix, a 2 pack of 5 Hour Energy, and some Trident gum. At least I don't have to see a magazine with Paula Deen on the cover anymore. It's good when certain people say the N word. Her pictures were fucking creepy. I think it was a combination of her super bleached teeth on her rapist looking smile, with the hedgehog hair, and face lifts. Anyway, if time permits (which it will), I shall catch up on Facebook with my iPhone. But a minute later the battery is dead because it's an iPhone.

Finally the wait is over, and it's time for the part I truly dread. With my dead phone now in my pocket; I have phased out my cyber life and have entered 'the real world'. I have to interact with an actual human being. Yuck! They start by asking the world's dumbest question: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Duh! Obviously, I found everything I was looking for, I'm at the fucking check-out. If I hadn't found everything, I'd still be shopping. I always just say that I did, and kindly thank them just to move things along. But what happens if you say that you didn't? Typically by now some of your stuff has already been scanned. They aren't actually gonna send you back into the store looking for Pringles with a line of people behind you are they? I'm not willing to take that risk, so I lie. You know how it goes from here. You complete the transaction, get your stuff, they insist that you have a nice day, and then they tell you about the stupid survey you can take from the receipt where you have a chance to win a $1000 Walmart Gift Card.

Guess what one of the survey questions is.
Hard to believe they're asking me again. I selected 'No' on the survey hoping for a follow up question about it. That was wishful thinking. At the end of the survey it seemed like they draw 5 winners every 3 months for these gift cards. Seems cheap for company that makes $15B annually. Fuck Walmart.

It's not just shopping at stores that forces you to deal with this 'Nice Day' crap. It's just as bad on the phone. The two places I hated calling the most were Papa John's and Pizza Hut. "Thank you for calling Papa John's located on Milton Drive. Would you like to try our new chipotle chicken and bacon pizza? A large is only $11. Will this be for carry-out for delivery?". Finally, I'm allowed to speak. "No, just make me an extra large tuscan 6 cheese. My name is Gary. I'll pick it up. I don't need a total. I have a coupon that says it's $12, and I can calculate the tax myself." Pizza Hut had that awful automated shit where a machine would thank you for calling and ask that you wait for the next available 'Team Member'. Then someone answers and goes through the same shit. "Blah blah blah Pizza Hut. Blah blah blah Milton Drive. Blah blah blah 3 cheese stuff crust." Now it's my turn. "You bet your ass I want a 3 cheese stuff crust! Is that possible to consume with an erection?" It's times like these that I'm very grateful for the internet. It's SO nice to be able to make hotel reservations, refill prescriptions, order pizza, and book flights without having to deal with talking to people.

It does seem like I hate people. The way society suggests that people behave is what I really hate. Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Intro

Hi, I'm Gary. For a while now people have asked me when I'm gonna start writing a blog about my running. Well...this is it. Don't expect much. I'm not thrilled with the idea of having a blog about running. I just think that there are enough blogs out there about people and their running. Typically, they tend to be loaded with pointless information. No offense to people who write them, but all that crap about each mile split, what you ate for dinner, the weather on race day, the security line at the airport, your lame excuses on why you ran poorly, and bragging about how awesome you are is only relevant to you. Again, no offense. It's your blog, so it only has to be relevant to you, but I figure I'll try something a little different.

I thought I would loosely base this on running just for the sake of having a central theme. I did just kinda bash people for bragging, so I'll keep the running credentials brief and stupid. Lets just say that I've run a few marathons. I lose about 86% of the time. I've worked my PR down to a 2:32, and once in a while my penis gets chafed during the race. That should be sufficient for now.

Running in general is a boring topic. The only dumber sport is Curling. A lot of sports contain running, but in addition, involve kicking a ball, swinging a bat, or tackling someone. Doing more than one thing at a time is WAY too complicated for me. Swimming sucks because I don't float, biking hurts my balls, I'm not Canadian, and I'm too scrawny to survive any contact sport, so by default I've settled on running. There's very little strategy involved. In order to win, you simply need to run faster than everybody else and make it to the finish line first. See? Pretty stupid. If something interesting ever arises in my running life then I'll share it, but this will mostly be me complaining, pointless profanity, heavy sarcasm, and the occasional poop joke.

Look what I named my blog. Don't take anything I write too seriously. Since they haven't perfected immortality yet, we are all going to die. Accept it, and enjoy yourself. I suggest that you live life everyday like it's your last; someday it will be, and you'll be prepared. The part of the name about eating right is meant to be ironic. If you exercise enough, then you can basically eat whatever the hell you want. Dietitians will tell you otherwise, but I'm not one of them. Go organic if you want, but I won't be out there paying double for a half pint of shitty raspberries that rot before I get home. Vegan means no cheese, which means no pizza, which for me means - no fucking way. The vegetarian diet forbids bacon. Fuck that.

That's gonna be about it for now. We'll get into some fun stuff next time.