Nothing in this movie makes any sense at all. It seems like another example of a recent movie that has neat special effects, a cool trailer, and seems like it should be awesome, but it ends up being incredibly stupid. Can you remember the last prequel that ruined everything for an important series of films? It was called the Phantom Menace. Prometheus is nowhere near that bad, but we are still forced to hope for better things in the next film. I don't think Prometheus 2 will be as bad as Attack of the Clones, but I could be wrong.
I had been avoiding this movie since someone told me that it sucked, but then my little sister convinced me to watch it and make my own judgement. Thanks, asshole. Well, nothing made any sense. Then I watched it again, and still nothing made sense.
Anyway, this movie opens with some alien humaniod drinking something near a waterfall on some planet and dying. I'm totally okay with the opening scene like this. Many movies have a mysterious opening scene. The problem with this movie is that none of these mysteries are solved for us later in the film. I figure it's Earth and this was them seeding the planet with human DNA but I really don't know. We never actually find out when this is, where, or what that guy drinks. Plus the shadow of the ship that drops him off looks nothing like the one we see later.
Then suddenly we're in some cave in Scotland in the year 2089. This is where they find a 35,000 year old cave painting of some large man pointing to some stars. Well, at least we know when and where we are.
So they are going to some planet called LV-223 which is 3.27x10^14 km away. Simple math can convert that to 34.56 light years. And they get there in 2 years, 4 months? Wow, ion propulsion can go warp factor 3? We should invest more in this.
During this trip the robot named David is awake the whole time fucking around. He rides a bicycle around the gymnasium, plays basketball, and studies language. This recreational area is never used for this purpose again and just shoved into this movie because other Alien movies had basketball courts. They just use it as a briefing room and let the treadmills collect dust. David also puts on some dumb helmet that lets you read people's dreams while they're in hyper-sleep. You ever have dreams that detailed? I don't. And sometimes you dream about a past event in your life that never happened, but not in this movie. David reads Shaw's dream for no fucking reason, then later reminds her about how her dad died of Ebola when really she could've just dreamed that.
After everyone wakes up you hear the computer say something about drinking plenty of fluids. Then the movie makes a point to show EVERY fucking person in the crew drinking something in the next few minutes. Thanks, we get it; they're thirsty. Anyway, the awakening scene is no where near as good as the one in the first Alien movie. The dialogue between the crew-members in that movie flowed so well that you forgot that you were watching a movie. Everything here sucks. I can tell they're acting, and everything seems forced.
Now we finally learn about the connection between the cave paintings and why they spent a trillion dollars on a mission to fly here. Wait, a trillion? Wasn't Paul Riser bitching about millions of dollars in Aliens? Whatever, so Shaw and Holloway have this completely retarded, anti-Darwin theory that the big people in the paintings are the gods who created us and that the stars depicted are an invitation for us to visit. This is dumb for so many reasons. No scientists would ever come up with that idea. It's dumber than the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If they engineered us then what about all this fossil evidence crap supported that we evolved from monkeys? I'll just list a few Sahelanthropus tchadensis, Orrorin tugenensis, Ardipithecus ramidus, Australopithecus anamensis, Australopithecus afarensis (Lucy), Australopithecus bahrelghazali, Kenyanthropus platyops, Australopithecus africanus, Paranthropus aethiopicus, Homo rudolfensis, Paranthropus robustus, Australopithecus sediba, Homo habilis, Paranthropus boisei, Homo erectus, Homo ergaster, Homo gautengensis, Homo antecessor, Homo heidelbergensis, Homo rhodesienis, Homo neanderthalensis, Homo sapiens (that's us), and lastly, my favorite, Homo floresiensis. Professor Farnsworth eve lists several of these in an episode of Futurama.
Do fossils not exist in this movie's universe? Wait, that can't be true because the biologist mentions Darwin and thinks that Shaw and Holloway are fucking retards. So, despite all this, these "scientists" still believe that these aliens created us based on cave paintings. And somehow their theory turns out to be correct. Oh, sure it is. Some of their theory is based on the fact that these different civilizations that had no contact with each other came up with the same cave painting. To me it seems way more likely that each village just had some really tall guy that everybody liked because he could reach the balls that got thrown onto the roof accidentally, and they were just painting him. The only way the 'Shalloway' idea makes sense is if they came here about 200,000 years ago and killed off the existing Homo species then made us in their image which was almost exactly what we were going to evolve into anyway. But they overlooked Indonesia so we still ended up with those hobbits. See how none of this makes sense? Then this rich, old guy with terrible makeup is willing to bet a trillion dollars, and his life that this idiot theory is correct. That's the plot. And that's why this movie sucks. This whole idea is completely implausible, and this film is strung along by a ridiculous series of equally implausible events just to make it work.
I thought the big alien people that humans worshiped a long time ago where those Predator aliens. Did I miss something when I watched AVP? There was that whole scene showing people worshiping them and sacrificing themselves to spawn the Alien aliens with the Italian guy doing the commentary. As implausible as the premise to that movie was, at least more of it made sense. Some of it was believable anyway.
Umm, so how do they find this planet anyway? Oh, those cave paintings were like a map. Really? You expect me to believe that 6 dots scribbled on a cave wall is sufficient to locating a star system over 30 light years away? Oh, sure it is. And why would it lead them to this planet? We find out later that this clearly isn't their home world. They used this planet to do experiments on or something for the purpose of not contaminating their own planet if something went horribly wrong. Like it was a weapons research planet or something. You expect me to believe that these aliens have been fucking around on this planet for 35,000 years and have an interest in humans visiting? Why would they want that? Maybe it wasn't an invitation. Maybe it was a warning. Maybe the paintings were of a good alien guy telling humans that going to this planet would kill everybody. See how this makes no sense?
So they're flying around on this planet for like 9 seconds and instantly find exactly what they're looking for. Wow, that was easy. I know this planet is technically a moon, but it seems to have the same gravity as earth. This is true about almost every single planet in a science fiction movie. Even in Alien, they said that the planetoid was only like 1200km in diameter and had 86% gravity which makes no sense. Anyway, lets say it's the same size as our moon. They should've been flying around for a month looking for shit. And how did they even know what they were looking for? If I was looking for an advanced civilization of aliens on a planet then I'd be looking for a city. Finding it this way also violates movie making logic. There should be that threat of abandoning the search after an extended period time of not finding anything. Then when all hope is lost and they are 20 minutes from giving up and flying back to earth, then they strike pay dirt. Why didn't they do it this way? Answer - because this movie sucks.
Hey, here's another good idea: lets not bring any weapons with us because it is a scientific expedition. This guy, Jackson, with the flame thrower...I don't think we see him again in this movie. The whole point of this mission, or so I thought, was to look for the aliens that created humans. Who would be stupid enough to assume that they are going to be peaceful? Oh, Shaw is that stupid. This is like the most significant mission in human history, and nobody thinks to be safe.
Why is this air not breathable? So, I couldn't read the exponent on the distance from earth on my TV, and during my quick internet search to figure it out, I found this page on LV-223. It says that the carbon monoxide levels are too high, but that bimbo clearly says CO2 which is carbon dioxide not carbon monoxide. And when that guy takes off his helmet like a retard, he too says carbon DIoxide. That website is wrong. Anyway, CO2 in our atmosphere is about 0.037%. According to wikipedia it would take concentrations between 7-10% to cause suffocation, and this planet has 3%, plus has higher oxygen concentration. For those of you who suck at math: 3 is less than 7. The air shouldn't kill them. At least not the CO2 in it. Sure, breathing would be more difficult, but shouldn't be fatal. But of course nobody should be retarded enough to take off their fucking space helmet where there could be airborne pathogens, microbes, and other shit. Oh, and wouldn't that much CO2 cause massive greenhouse effect? Like, shouldn't this planet be really hot? Whatever.
How does this alien dude get decapitated? The blast doors are usually pretty thick unlike a guillotine. It should've squished his head, not sliced it clear off. Then someone says - No, don't open that door. We don't know what's on the other side. I have an idea on how you can find out what's on the other side. You could open the door. Dumbass. And notice that in order to reach the controls for the door David needs to climb a ladder. Where the fuck did this ladder come from? I didn't see anyone carry a fucking ladder. It's not like it was there to begin with. Those aliens are like 9 feet tall. They don't need no stinking ladders. Whatever. Also, the door has some writing on it which David claims that he can read, but then he never reads it. In fact, he doesn't translate anything for us in this movie.
So then Ginger Geologist and the Biologist decide that they are friends now, and decide to go back to the ship like giant pussies. I'd probably do the same thing since I'm also a giant pussy. Wait, they didn't make it back? They got lost? How? Don't they have these things flying around creating a 3D map of this entire structure and they are in contact with the ship. And didn't one of those guys who got lost bring those flying map, sphere things? Whatever, I bet they'll die soon in a way that makes no sense.
Oh no a storm is coming. Lets quickly bag the head and David can steal a vase that he won't tell anyone about. Why is being a sneaky asshole part of his programming? And for no other reason than to add tension for the audience, Shaw drops the head and goes after it. I guess we needed an exciting action scene here. Whatever, we have the head on board now and it's time for an autopsy or whatever. The helmet is too heavy for those two whores to lift and the need Magneto's help. Okay, but earlier didn't they managed to carry the whole head? Why would lifting off the helmet now be too hard? Then they jam a needle into the brain and charge it with electricity. It makes faces like it is constipated then explodes for no reason.
Then we find out that the magic dream reading helmet can also talk to people in their sleep I guess. Gee, I wonder who David was talking to. Then without any regard for safety David exposes Holloway to the black alien cum by putting it in his drink. It seems like Mr. Weyland told him to do this. Doesn't that seem risky? And once again there seems to be no regard for safety on this mission. Please note just how many people die as a result of this action. It's like half the crew. Whatever, on a more positive note, I will say that the fact that David has the Weyland logo etched into his finger prints is kinda neat, but I had to watch this trash 3 times before I noticed. But then somehow Holloway doesn't notice that David sticks his finger in the drink right as he is handing it to him. I guess it was done like this to make it obvious to the audience, but it should have been obvious to Holloway. Was Holloway already drunk at this point? Whatever.
Oh, the lost people are dead now, so I guess we should discuss how implausible that whole scene was. For starters nobody else knows that they are dead. Later in the film we see Shaw reviewing a video of those holograms from earlier. Well, this implies that everything their cameras see is recorded and can be viewed later. The reason that nobody knows at the time is because Captain Sisco was busy having interracial sex with Vickers and nobody was manning the comm station. Isn't that Uhura's job? Usually the captain comes across to me as someone who is very responsible. The fact that he didn't get someone else to cover for him during that 4 minutes he's having sex seems very out of character. They should easily be able to just rewind the audio and video of their deaths and see exactly what happened and where they are. Anyway, they stumble into the room that they were outside of earlier when they decided to wonder off and get lost. Millburn has a space blanket wrapped around his legs implying that this is the room they choose to sleep in for the night. Yeah, this room. The creepy one. The one with the giant head that is filled with vases oozing with black alien cum. Then an albino, alien cobra comes out of nowhere. Where the fuck did this come from? I guess those worms they stepped on earlier got transformed by the black alien cum, but then where did those come from? Were they sleeping for the last 2,000 years? Then the guy who bitched out when seeing a decapitated alien suddenly is fascinated with the cobra and wants to touch it. Does this seem stupid to anyone else? I know earlier he was trying to impress this guy to get him to be his boyfriend because he has a secret gay crush for him, but they are already friends now since he decided to go off with him. Okay, so then it attacks him and breaks his arm. Then Ginger Fifield tries to cut it off and gets killed by the corrosive blood that we are all familiar with from the other Alien movies. The snake instantly grows another head, crawls through Millburn's suit and rapes his mouth. I guess he dies then. Usually when people got mouth raped they would grow an alien inside them which would kill them later, but this didn't happen...I don't think.
Is Shaw barren? She says she can't create life then gets all sad. Maybe she was just being a chick and getting sad for no reason so that Holloway would know that it was time to have sex with her. Girls like to have sex (especially non-reciprocating oral sex) when they are sad. And neither of them were smart enough to pack condoms or pull out, so now Shaw is knocked up with an alien fetus. Oh, that little drop of black goo (alien cum) got into Holloway's cum that he shot into Shaw's vagina which grew into the size of a squid in 5 hours. Yeah, that makes sense.
Wait, we gotta back up to when Janek and Vickers were fucking. Did you notice how she said something about traveling a half billion miles? Look, a half billion miles is about how far Jupiter is from the sun. They are actually 2.03x10^14 miles from Earth. Vickers is off by a factor of 406,000.
What the hell is in Holloway's eye? If he doesn't care then I'm not gonna care. This retarded asshole sees a fish swimming around in his fucking eyeball and does nothing about it. Instead of telling someone, he waits until they are the furthest place possible from the ship to mention that something is wrong. Time to head back since Holloway has AIDS and is turning into some kind of monster. Vickers is actually smart here and says that he isn't getting back on the ship. I'm glad to see this retard die. Vickers shoots him with a flame thrower, he catches on fire, then drops dead on the ramp.
Okay, so back to how Shaw is knocked up. David just wants to put her in hyper-sleep, but she REALLY wants an abortion. I guess a coat hanger wouldn't work too well on an alien fetus that has that acid blood stuff (not that she would know that). She escapes by smashing a couple people in the face with some metal thing that materialized in her hand. Then everyone in the audience starts to laugh because the way she running around looks like she's in desperate search for a bathroom because she's about to shit herself. But actually she's headed to that emergency surgery pod thing that we saw earlier. She injects herself with the first space syringe she sees then screams for an abortion...I mean C section. She pushes the same button (Right Arrow) and yells at the thing, but somehow it knows what to do. I find it quite shocking that this thing didn't put her to sleep or restrain her in any way. Then she runs away and discovers that Weyland is alive and on the ship. And for some reason the fact that she's covered in blood, in her underwear, has a row of staples across her stomach, and clearly just pulled an alien out of her uterus never comes up in conversation. Nobody cares what just happened to her even though she might still have alien AIDS. Does this seem stupid to anyone else? Nobody asks what the fuck just happened where that alien thing is now...even though it's still on the ship. Whatever.
Sorry about jumping around, but there's often like 3 stories going on at once in this movie. While everyone else goes looking for the dead people, David finds the ship, the cargo hold, and a living alien in hyper-sleep. When David is watching the holograms it is reveled that powering up this super advanced spaceship involves playing a few notes on some flute. Seriously. This is in the movie. David even plays it later when they go back there. Why did they go with this instead of like a retina scan or voice authorization?
Then later or earlier or something Fifield turns into a zombie Sasquatch and starts killing everyone. Now the first time I saw this (and 2nd and 3rd time) I thought it was Holloway who woke up from being burned to death, but I guess it's Fifield. So does that mean they brought his clearly contaminated body back to the ship while they were in a rush to get help for Holloway? Or did he wake up and walk back to the ship on his own then lay there in a contortionist position? Neither makes any sense. This was the guy who got lost in the first place. Now as a zombie he can make it back to the ship without his cool 3-D map thing? And when he wakes up he is really close to where Vickers set Holloway on fire which is why I thought it was Holloway. I figured they just shoved his body off that ramp and he woke up later. Maybe I'm the only one who mixed this up. Anyhow, the first thing Sasquatch does is punch some guy which shatters his plastic helmet like it was made of glass. They set him on fire, shoot him a few times, then run over him with a truck. I guess he's dead for real this time?
I guess I should talk about how Vickers is Weyland's daughter. Well, that was pretty obvious since she was in charge of everything. But, Weyland doesn't expect to see her, and this makes no sense. If he didn't know that she was on board then that means he was put into hyper-sleep before they launched. That's okay, but then why did she bring him? She thought this whole thing was a bunch of shit. Fine, she brought him along to say - told you so. But earlier David talks to him with the yellow, space helmet. Vickers wants to know what he said, and David says - Try harder. If David relayed a message to her from him then why would he be surprised to see her. The thing I hate most is that shot when Vickers is like touching his hand and smelling it or something all weird and rubs her face on his creepy, old-guy hands. What the fuck is with that? Vickers says something about being there because she didn't want to argue with people about who was in charge. So, who is in charge of Weyland Corporation now that both of them went on this mission? Plus they both die. It's pretty clear that he doesn't have a real son (that's why he made David), and if he has another daughter I doubt he'd leave her in charge since this dude hates chicks more than Chris Brown. Maybe the company goes under now since they wasted a trillion dollars and the guy in charge died.
Oh my god, is this movie over yet? Fine, lets go wake up this alien. That's a good plan. David will be able to talk to him. Sure he will. Even if they started off our language skills, that was like 30,000 years ago. Languages change a lot over the years. That cocksucker didn't bother translating what the door said earlier, so I have no confidence in his abilities to speak some alien language. Here's something else I don't understand: Captain Janek says that he'll do whatever is necessary to ensure that none of that black, alien cum makes it back to Earth, but isn't that vase David stole still on board? And not hidden well? Maybe it's in Weyland's master bedroom, but I don't know. Right, back to the awakening. David puts this 2,000 year old flute into his mouth, plays some notes, pushes some buttons, and Frankenstein wakes up. And even though he's been asleep for 2,000 years he doesn't bother doing that thing where you yawn, rub your eyes, and stretch. Several people are barking at David to ask him shit, and David finally says something. What the fuck does he say? Do we assume that he followed Weyland's orders? Earlier he said something to Shaw asking if all children want their parents to die, so why would he follow his orders still? It would've cost about a nickel to put text along the bottom of the screen during that shot which is why this is frustrating. We just have to guess what he says. I'm pretty good at guessing. David says, "Hi, I'm a robot. Please rip my head off and murder all of these people." Then Frankenstein decapitates David and his severed head ejaculates cum out of his mouth. Everyone stands around and gets killed while Shaw makes a B line for the exit. Yeah, the chick whose intestines are being held in place by two dozen staples breaks out into a sprint. She escapes then informs the ship of what is happening. I guess nobody on board thought to watch the video feed, so this is a big shock.
Now it's time for a cheesy, boring, un-exciting, lame mid-air collision. You guys see that Star Trek: Nemesis movie? There's a pretty cool scene when Picard rams the Enterprise into Shinzon's ship.
Now we continue this long series of shit that makes no sense. This whore is still running around with staples in her gut. Can someone explain her gloves? She makes it to the life boat with gloves on, closes the air lock, then isn't wearing them. Call me crazy, but I kinda assumed that they were part of the suit. Like, what's the point of having this self contained breathing apparatus if the system isn't sealed? For the remainder of the film sometimes she has gloves, sometimes she doesn't. Anyway, in the life boat she picks up an axe. Why is there an axe on board? Yeah, I'm complaining about this. Firemen carry axes into burning building to chop through wooden doors. Lumberjacks have axes to cut down trees. Well, you aren't gonna be chopping through any of these doors with an axe, and I didn't see any trees on this planet, so why is there an axe? See, I liked in Aliens when Ripley was going around with that flamethrower because that was cool, but an axe is dumb unless you are trying to murder your wife and son inside a creepy hotel in Estes Park. Primitive weapons are why I hated Alien 3 so much. Shaw doesn't even do anything with the axe anyway. Nobody bothered to do anything with her dumpster baby, so now it's the size of a giant squid. How did it get so big that fast? The Alien movies were the same. They don't seem to eat anything and yet grow to full adulthood in like 2 hours. Whatever, we should be more concerned with Frankenstein who is on his way. I guess he told David that he was going after her otherwise, how would he know that he just didn't get up and leave. Then Shaw lets the octopus attack Frankenstein. Maybe I miscounted and it doesn't have 8 tentacles, but I can tell you that it's more than 4. Remember earlier when it only had 4? What the fuck is with that? The real question here is - why does Frankenstein go after her anyway? His mission (I guess) is to deliver black alien cum to Earth. Is this dumb bimbo really a threat to that? He can just go get another ship or get on the space phone and tell his people that some humans are here. The answer - He succumbs to pointless revenge for the sake of the plot.
Fuck. Just go save David and we can be done with this shit. She carries his head (which didn't move during the crash) and drags his body to the edge of the alien ship's vagina opening. Yeah, I have a question. Is this the same entrance that she entered the ship at? How would she climb up that? And if she didn't go in that way then why is she leaving that way? Was there a magical staircase there earlier like in Star Trek: Insurrection when they find that Holoship? Or was this another use of that magical ladder from earlier. Seems like extra work to have to lower David's body down by that cable. He's already smashed up. Just toss him down.
Is it over yet? Oh, so the normal alien rips out of the Frankenstein one, and the octopus alien died after it mouth raped the other one. But at this point nobody cares that the normal alien is already like full sized. I'm not saying that it's wrong that it's like full sized. I have seen the other alien movies and it's pretty clear that they are different depending on the host, so maybe it's just bigger because that dude is bigger.
So what else pisses me off? Well, I hate Shaw and most of the other characters, too. Usually in a movie we're made to like the main character and hope that they succeed. Right from the beginning we think she's an idiot with an idiot theory. Then it happens to be correct, so we hate her even more. Then she has this obsession with some dumbass cross she wears around her neck. David steals it for no reason then for no reason has it with him at the end. I don't recognize her from anything else. She's got a fugly haircut and an annoying accent. Bitch sure ain't know Sigouney Weaver. Even in her 60's, I'd rather fuck her. The worst thing is that we're forced to see her in her underwear several times. She looks better in the space suit. The whole movie I'm hoping she dies, but she's the only one who lives. Now she has a way to get home, but wants to fly around in an alien ship to find their homeworld. Doesn't she need to eat food to live? Do these alien spaceships that have been abandoned for 2,000 years have an extensive human food supply?
A few other things that make no sense. The alien ship in the opening scene wasn't shaped like a horse shoe. Was that ship from the same aliens? So shit went super wrong on this planet and no other aliens came to investigate for 2,000 years? Does the rest of the species not know about this? Was it just like a few dozen rouge aliens doing crazy experiments? If they knew that everything got fucked up then why not blow everything up?
They imply in the movie that the Engineer aliens have a mission to kill off humanity by using the black goo. I think it's deliberately left open for the sake of a sequel, but everyone is wondering why they want to kill us and why they created us in the first place. Based on that conversation between Holloway and David when David was drugging his drink with alien cum it would seem that perhaps they created us simply because they could. If they simply wanted to kill us then why use that black goo? The black goo didn't directly kill Holloway, the flame thrower did. It didn't kill Fifield either. He turned into a zombie Sasquatch. Seems more like they wanted to used that goo to make a bunch of those Xenomorph aliens that we are all familiar with. It's obvious that they knew about them based on how there was a mural or whatever of one of them in that death room.
That's all I got for now. I have a bunch of other movies to lay into for no reason.
Thank you thank you thank you for this hilarious and accurate review. I saw this movie in theatres over 3 years ago and I'm STILL pissed off about it. It was actually alarming, walking home from the theatre, I've never been more mad in my life and was just snapping at everyone asking why we went to see such a shit movie and why anyone would make such a stupid piece of... UGH. Anyway your review was awesome and made the fact I even saw the movie somewhat worth it. I still wish I hadn't but at least I know someone else who hated it just as much.ReplyDelete
I cannot thank you enough. I laughed so hard i shit myself. I can finally have some closure. I couldnt believe a hero director of mine (Sir Ridley Scott) would direct such trash. Did anyone think to see if the script had any continuity? I saw it with a few friends and they all try to defend it saying it wasnt supposed to be a sequel to aliens. Well it sure looked like that to me. Anyway. Thank you for your accurate and hilarious review.ReplyDelete
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Nice Rant. I agree, that movie was a piece of shit. Who cares about visuals when the "story" is a shameful mess. Fuck the next one from Scott.ReplyDelete