Friday, December 20, 2013

Have a Nice Day

Am I the only person that doesn't think cashiers need to express thanks towards me or wish me good tidings? I never understood the necessity for it when I worked as a cashier. I'm never rude to the person who is required to say this crap, but sometimes I really want to be. Like most everybody else, I simply go along with the bullshit and get on with my day.

I don't shop at Safeway much anymore because of some of this nonsense. I used to like once a week, but then they started doing something stupid at check-out that bothered me. Safeway can't just give everybody the sale items at the sale price. You need a special card to get that price. The hell if I'm gonna pay full price for blueberries, so I bring my special card. Then I scan my card, the cashier scans my items, I pay for them, and the receipt is printed. Instead of simply handing me my receipt that I'm just going to throw away, they scroll down to the bottom of it where my name is printed and say, "Have a nice day Mr. Krugger". It's twice as frustrating since they seem to always pronounce my last name wrong. It's not that difficult. Two syllables. Just like Freddy Krueger. Spelled different, but pronounced the same. There's no "ugh" sound. Anyway, I don't care for that added, poor attempt at generosity. It's almost insulting to have someone pretend that they know you personally simply because they have access to your name. If you've ever had a retail job that required you to wear a name tag, then you know what I mean. I'd prefer that they just give me my receipt and move on to the next customer. I like the Safeway on the west side of town much better because they have Self Check-Out. The Self Check-Out machine thanks me too, but I don't have to acknowledge it because it's not a person.

I tend to shop at Walmart more these days. I'm cheap. You can tell. You have to deal with similar shit here, but they have cheaper prices. I can rarely navigate through the store selecting my merchandise without running into some store employee offering to help me find something. I didn't ask for this help. I feel that I'm a self sufficient shopper. Asking for help is awful enough if you're a man, but to have to ask help from someone stupid enough to work at Walmart involves stooping VERY low. I'll ask another customer first, or simply do without if I can't find it on my own.

It's time to make my way to the check-out line. Go figure, everybody in front of me has an overflowing cart, and they only have 3 cashiers working leaving the remaining 21 registers idle. All the other employees are busy helping shoppers find their precious items. It doesn't do them much good to make me wait longer. I've already impulse purchased a king size Twix, a 2 pack of 5 Hour Energy, and some Trident gum. At least I don't have to see a magazine with Paula Deen on the cover anymore. It's good when certain people say the N word. Her pictures were fucking creepy. I think it was a combination of her super bleached teeth on her rapist looking smile, with the hedgehog hair, and face lifts. Anyway, if time permits (which it will), I shall catch up on Facebook with my iPhone. But a minute later the battery is dead because it's an iPhone.

Finally the wait is over, and it's time for the part I truly dread. With my dead phone now in my pocket; I have phased out my cyber life and have entered 'the real world'. I have to interact with an actual human being. Yuck! They start by asking the world's dumbest question: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Duh! Obviously, I found everything I was looking for, I'm at the fucking check-out. If I hadn't found everything, I'd still be shopping. I always just say that I did, and kindly thank them just to move things along. But what happens if you say that you didn't? Typically by now some of your stuff has already been scanned. They aren't actually gonna send you back into the store looking for Pringles with a line of people behind you are they? I'm not willing to take that risk, so I lie. You know how it goes from here. You complete the transaction, get your stuff, they insist that you have a nice day, and then they tell you about the stupid survey you can take from the receipt where you have a chance to win a $1000 Walmart Gift Card.

Guess what one of the survey questions is.
Hard to believe they're asking me again. I selected 'No' on the survey hoping for a follow up question about it. That was wishful thinking. At the end of the survey it seemed like they draw 5 winners every 3 months for these gift cards. Seems cheap for company that makes $15B annually. Fuck Walmart.

It's not just shopping at stores that forces you to deal with this 'Nice Day' crap. It's just as bad on the phone. The two places I hated calling the most were Papa John's and Pizza Hut. "Thank you for calling Papa John's located on Milton Drive. Would you like to try our new chipotle chicken and bacon pizza? A large is only $11. Will this be for carry-out for delivery?". Finally, I'm allowed to speak. "No, just make me an extra large tuscan 6 cheese. My name is Gary. I'll pick it up. I don't need a total. I have a coupon that says it's $12, and I can calculate the tax myself." Pizza Hut had that awful automated shit where a machine would thank you for calling and ask that you wait for the next available 'Team Member'. Then someone answers and goes through the same shit. "Blah blah blah Pizza Hut. Blah blah blah Milton Drive. Blah blah blah 3 cheese stuff crust." Now it's my turn. "You bet your ass I want a 3 cheese stuff crust! Is that possible to consume with an erection?" It's times like these that I'm very grateful for the internet. It's SO nice to be able to make hotel reservations, refill prescriptions, order pizza, and book flights without having to deal with talking to people.

It does seem like I hate people. The way society suggests that people behave is what I really hate. Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.